be still and know that i am God.
these feelings of intense romance come late at night for me. during the day i'm moving. if not my body, my lips and mind never cease their rambling and i wonder why i don't know God. when everyone i usually call is sleeping, i'm left awake just being. i've gotten into the habit lately of laying in my back yard and looking up at the night sky. elizabeth and i usually count shooting stars and i never realized how many of them there were. we usually see a couple here and there but last week we counted four in only a half hour. FOUR! tonight i saw but one. until recently, though, i could count on a single hand the number of shooting stars i saw in my lifetime. i don't think there was a shooting star shortage before i hit my twenties - i just never looked up long enough.
one time a few years back, i was talking with my friend genesis on the phone. i was at my wits end and was looking at the sky as she was talking. with my feet on my driveway, i silently begged God to give me a shooting star. kind of a way to tell me if i was going to screw everything up or if i was going to pull through. it may sound dumb and it may be dumb, but the star covered the sky that night. i knew what it meant then and i know what it means now.
tonight i was thinking of all the people that came before me that made a difference in this world. not only people that made history like martin luther, mother theresa, or c.s. lewis, but people whose lives never got recorded - mothers who sacrificed so much for the sake of her children; fathers who loved so fervently that their children knew what a father's love felt like. it was their drive for choosing right over ease that changed the world. i think of them because i'm under the same sky they were under. i'm under the same God they were under.
i want my relationship with God to be a dance, not a walk. our movements to be in beautiful unison. i want him to draw me close and tell me his love for me will never ever end.
Lord, my God,
embrace me in my entirety.
hold my soul,
arouse my sleeping heart.
take my hands and purify them for your work.
let me find rest in your strength,
shelter in your house,
peace under your night sky,
and satisfaction in your arms.
amen.
30 April 2007
26 April 2007
kat troubles at 3am
has anyone seen bjork lately? she's looking quite peculiar.
in other news, when i got home from church last night, i found a cute little kitten at my back yard. she's not actually a kitten - she's a cat. but she's so stinkin' adorable so she falls in the 'kitten' category. she's tortoise shell calico and she's got this really long pretty hair. the hair in her ears is matted. that and her skinny body leads me to believe she's a stray.
i felt bad that she was probably hungry, so i poured some beer on the concrete for her to drink up (it's all i had in hand.) at first, the foam of the beer scared her and she went running, but after a moment, she came back and lapped up the puddle. i offered her more then realized that, even though she may like it, it may not be good for her (it was ultra light, though.) so i went in my fridge trying to think like a cat and find what a cat would like to eat.
"i'm a cat and i like milk" was the first thought that i conjured up. unfortunately, the soy in the very back of my fridge was - let's just say unsuitable. then i found some sugar free international delight french vanilla creamer in the icebox door. i don't use creamer in my coffee, but i always have some around just in case a guest would like it. i considered Kat a guest and so poured her a pool of it in the quintessential cat-milk bowl. it was a perfect moment.
Kat began lapping up the "milk" and i wanted to take a picture, but when i got back to her with my camera, she was done and gone. figuring she'd want more in her tummy than beer and coffee creamer (seriously, i wasn't trying to kill her), i decided to find her real food. i had some tuna-style foil packaged white meat chicken and opened that and dumped it on a paper plate. Kat didn't hesitate scarfing that down either.
a couple of hours later, she was back again to show some love and even sneaked into my house to poke her nose around. she didn't seem phased by the smorgasbord of decadence i fed her earlier. she can hold her alcohol well for a homeless kitten... it's only 3am now, but i woke up to the sound of a cat's meow just outside my window. not sure how she knows it my window. maybe she just recognized the silhouette of the beer bottle on my window sill and would like some more.
in other news, when i got home from church last night, i found a cute little kitten at my back yard. she's not actually a kitten - she's a cat. but she's so stinkin' adorable so she falls in the 'kitten' category. she's tortoise shell calico and she's got this really long pretty hair. the hair in her ears is matted. that and her skinny body leads me to believe she's a stray.
i felt bad that she was probably hungry, so i poured some beer on the concrete for her to drink up (it's all i had in hand.) at first, the foam of the beer scared her and she went running, but after a moment, she came back and lapped up the puddle. i offered her more then realized that, even though she may like it, it may not be good for her (it was ultra light, though.) so i went in my fridge trying to think like a cat and find what a cat would like to eat.
"i'm a cat and i like milk" was the first thought that i conjured up. unfortunately, the soy in the very back of my fridge was - let's just say unsuitable. then i found some sugar free international delight french vanilla creamer in the icebox door. i don't use creamer in my coffee, but i always have some around just in case a guest would like it. i considered Kat a guest and so poured her a pool of it in the quintessential cat-milk bowl. it was a perfect moment.
Kat began lapping up the "milk" and i wanted to take a picture, but when i got back to her with my camera, she was done and gone. figuring she'd want more in her tummy than beer and coffee creamer (seriously, i wasn't trying to kill her), i decided to find her real food. i had some tuna-style foil packaged white meat chicken and opened that and dumped it on a paper plate. Kat didn't hesitate scarfing that down either.
a couple of hours later, she was back again to show some love and even sneaked into my house to poke her nose around. she didn't seem phased by the smorgasbord of decadence i fed her earlier. she can hold her alcohol well for a homeless kitten... it's only 3am now, but i woke up to the sound of a cat's meow just outside my window. not sure how she knows it my window. maybe she just recognized the silhouette of the beer bottle on my window sill and would like some more.
17 April 2007
freedom in the fog
When my life is over and my body is cold and still,
I’d like for you to carry this out for me, this wish.
Burn me ‘till only ashes are left and remnants unremarkable,
And walk to the end of the dock and wish me a new journey.
All rivers lead to the sea unending.
With ebb and flow the river and I will merge.
Twining through weeds and creatures and currants,
I’ll be free as ever with no cage to bind my flesh.
Jealous of the swirling fog and it’s freedom,
I’d sip my coffee on the stillness of the dock,
Wishing to be set free from my burdened heart,
And released to live as one who flies.
It is for freedom He has set us free.
No longer refusing my heart’s desire,
Each breath will sing of His rescue,
Until they cease and these ashes are thrown in the river.
15 April 2007
washed from the inside out : :
I think the idea of holiness means different things to different people. I certainly don't think that I understood the word very well at all, at least for most of my Christian life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but most people don't grasp the true meaning of the word. I'm a lover of semantics and often play with words to change the shape of how people hear a message. I think this quality causes me listen to messages, namely sermons, more carefully and brake down what words are being said and what message is being received. Often times, there's a big difference between those two things.
I may be having wine with a friend and I ask her, "Do you think you've had enough wine for this evening?" She'll likely interpret my statement as saying, "Hey sister, back of the juice. You're getting hoovered." Perhaps my intention for asking her was only to determine if I needed to pour her another glass or put the bottle away. She heard something different, though, and got her feelings hurt. My words were not received how I intended to transmit them and so I failed as a communicator.
All the more, this is imperative when we are speaking and teaching scripture. If we are not cognizant of how our message is being received, then the essence of it is not being transmitted and the intent of our words remains unheard. Message transmission is a huge part of communication.
Back to holiness. If you ask someone with knowledge of the scriptures (namely, someone other than me), they'll probably tell you that, essentially, holy means to be set apart. I remember learning this when I was in college and it stuck with me for some reason. Probably because my teacher repeated it about a million times in one lecture (later to be found on an exam. I love teachers like that.) If holiness means to be set apart, then why do some people understand it as pious, soft spoken, angelic, or just plain good?
I suppose some of those things are set apart by their very definition, but when I say I want to be holy, I don't mean I want to be turned into a weakling; someone with no cultural relevance and no opinion. I don't want to listen to the laments of my friends who are in deep sorrow and merely reply: "God is in control. Let go and let God. In His time. I'll be praying for you."
None of these things are innately wrong. God IS in control. We do need to relinquish our fierce grasp on our lives and allow Him to lead us by faith. And we DEFINITELY need to plea to God on behalf of our loved ones when they're in need. Intercession is part of what being a Christian is about. But when we reduce our responses to serious life issues by using a cliché, we're not being holy. We're being robots.
The following verse, Romans 7:4-6 (The Message), Paul talks about being set apart. Not only that, he talks about the difference between obeying law for the sake of obedience itself and obeying law out of a deep love for God and an understanding of the law's purpose.
"So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God."
If Christ "took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free" then why are we still teaching people on a regular basis how to control sin? Why do we preach about miniskirts and homosexuality (!) and the wretchedness of sin itself when it is God's kindness that leads up to repentance (Romans 2:4)? I think that sin is so abundant in our culture and it's easy to point to the horrific things that are going bad in our world and say, "This world is getting what's coming to them." Sure we may not say it in so many words, but it's relevant in our voice inflection; what we choose to emphasize and what we don't. It's noteworthy to notice what certain people emphasize as 'bad' sins and which ones they don't.
For example, in the past, if I was talking about adultery you may have heard a more harsh tone in my voice than if I was discussing profanity. I've had some close friends deeply hurt by extramarital affairs and have no personal struggle in this area. Adultery pisses me off. Cursing, on the other hand, is something more personal. I've been known to say a less than honorable word before (please hold all comments 'till the end) and so would be shedding light on my own personal dirt by fire-and-brimstoning foul speech.
All I'm trying to say is that focusing on the management of sin does not produce holiness. It manufactures innocuous people with dead faith. Most of my life, I've focused on avoiding sin. Many of you reading this may be quite surprised to hear that as my behavior hasn't been- how shall I say this- set apart. It's true, though. I've focused on not having sex, not smoking weed, and going to church. I thought that if I wanted to be a good Christian, then I must read the Bible to figure out what all the rules were and then follow them. All I became, though, was a sexless church attendee without a buzz. It sounds funny, but ask a non-Christian why they don't like church, and you'll often hear 'I don't like all the rules."
I heard that. I don't like the rules either. What I like is a God who has saved me. What I love a man who's rescued me from the pain of failure, the darkness of depression, and the wretchedness of addiction. What I can't sing enough about is the glory of it all. That's what makes me want to be set apart. I want to love and please my Maker and by doing so, I abstain from the things that he didn't create my body to take part in.
It's much simpler than following a set of rules. Our outward cleanliness should only be a reflection of our inward desire to honor God. When Jesus was talking to the Pharisees about their grave misunderstanding of scripture, he said this:
"You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You burnish the surface of your cups and bowls so they sparkle in the sun, while the insides are maggoty with your greed and gluttony. Stupid Pharisee! Scour the insides, and then the gleaming surface will mean something."
I'm a touch frightened that some of the Pharisaical teachings are sneaking their way back into our message. We're teaching people about the Gospel of Sin Management - namely, how to avoid sin and look squeaky clean for the sake of looking squeaky clean. We may not intend to convey this message to people. Perhaps we discuss sin so much because we're concerned for the people steeped in it; we grieve for the ones who are being ravished by its merciless path. But by talking so much about the problem and not the solution, we're conveying the message that holiness is primarily the absence of wrong actions. Being set apart comes from the renewing of our minds resulting in obedience, not the other way around.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." -- (Romans 12:1-2a).
I may be having wine with a friend and I ask her, "Do you think you've had enough wine for this evening?" She'll likely interpret my statement as saying, "Hey sister, back of the juice. You're getting hoovered." Perhaps my intention for asking her was only to determine if I needed to pour her another glass or put the bottle away. She heard something different, though, and got her feelings hurt. My words were not received how I intended to transmit them and so I failed as a communicator.
All the more, this is imperative when we are speaking and teaching scripture. If we are not cognizant of how our message is being received, then the essence of it is not being transmitted and the intent of our words remains unheard. Message transmission is a huge part of communication.
Back to holiness. If you ask someone with knowledge of the scriptures (namely, someone other than me), they'll probably tell you that, essentially, holy means to be set apart. I remember learning this when I was in college and it stuck with me for some reason. Probably because my teacher repeated it about a million times in one lecture (later to be found on an exam. I love teachers like that.) If holiness means to be set apart, then why do some people understand it as pious, soft spoken, angelic, or just plain good?
I suppose some of those things are set apart by their very definition, but when I say I want to be holy, I don't mean I want to be turned into a weakling; someone with no cultural relevance and no opinion. I don't want to listen to the laments of my friends who are in deep sorrow and merely reply: "God is in control. Let go and let God. In His time. I'll be praying for you."
None of these things are innately wrong. God IS in control. We do need to relinquish our fierce grasp on our lives and allow Him to lead us by faith. And we DEFINITELY need to plea to God on behalf of our loved ones when they're in need. Intercession is part of what being a Christian is about. But when we reduce our responses to serious life issues by using a cliché, we're not being holy. We're being robots.
The following verse, Romans 7:4-6 (The Message), Paul talks about being set apart. Not only that, he talks about the difference between obeying law for the sake of obedience itself and obeying law out of a deep love for God and an understanding of the law's purpose.
"So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God."
If Christ "took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free" then why are we still teaching people on a regular basis how to control sin? Why do we preach about miniskirts and homosexuality (!) and the wretchedness of sin itself when it is God's kindness that leads up to repentance (Romans 2:4)? I think that sin is so abundant in our culture and it's easy to point to the horrific things that are going bad in our world and say, "This world is getting what's coming to them." Sure we may not say it in so many words, but it's relevant in our voice inflection; what we choose to emphasize and what we don't. It's noteworthy to notice what certain people emphasize as 'bad' sins and which ones they don't.
For example, in the past, if I was talking about adultery you may have heard a more harsh tone in my voice than if I was discussing profanity. I've had some close friends deeply hurt by extramarital affairs and have no personal struggle in this area. Adultery pisses me off. Cursing, on the other hand, is something more personal. I've been known to say a less than honorable word before (please hold all comments 'till the end) and so would be shedding light on my own personal dirt by fire-and-brimstoning foul speech.
All I'm trying to say is that focusing on the management of sin does not produce holiness. It manufactures innocuous people with dead faith. Most of my life, I've focused on avoiding sin. Many of you reading this may be quite surprised to hear that as my behavior hasn't been- how shall I say this- set apart. It's true, though. I've focused on not having sex, not smoking weed, and going to church. I thought that if I wanted to be a good Christian, then I must read the Bible to figure out what all the rules were and then follow them. All I became, though, was a sexless church attendee without a buzz. It sounds funny, but ask a non-Christian why they don't like church, and you'll often hear 'I don't like all the rules."
I heard that. I don't like the rules either. What I like is a God who has saved me. What I love a man who's rescued me from the pain of failure, the darkness of depression, and the wretchedness of addiction. What I can't sing enough about is the glory of it all. That's what makes me want to be set apart. I want to love and please my Maker and by doing so, I abstain from the things that he didn't create my body to take part in.
It's much simpler than following a set of rules. Our outward cleanliness should only be a reflection of our inward desire to honor God. When Jesus was talking to the Pharisees about their grave misunderstanding of scripture, he said this:
"You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You burnish the surface of your cups and bowls so they sparkle in the sun, while the insides are maggoty with your greed and gluttony. Stupid Pharisee! Scour the insides, and then the gleaming surface will mean something."
I'm a touch frightened that some of the Pharisaical teachings are sneaking their way back into our message. We're teaching people about the Gospel of Sin Management - namely, how to avoid sin and look squeaky clean for the sake of looking squeaky clean. We may not intend to convey this message to people. Perhaps we discuss sin so much because we're concerned for the people steeped in it; we grieve for the ones who are being ravished by its merciless path. But by talking so much about the problem and not the solution, we're conveying the message that holiness is primarily the absence of wrong actions. Being set apart comes from the renewing of our minds resulting in obedience, not the other way around.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." -- (Romans 12:1-2a).
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